i wan not born to give up!!!!!

hindi ko ikakaila.. im in the stage of my life where nothing seems ryt all of a sudden... i have so many problems...

sa family, school, socially, emotionally, physically...

im losing grip... feeling ko konti na lng... pwo i know i should not give up...

i was not born to give up!!! ive been thru so much in the past... nagun pa ba ako susuko...? e nung ngksakit ako for fifteen years di nga ako sumuko eh...nagun pa kya? duh... no!!! i resist! i insist! i will break thru! i will survive!! i know everything will alright in the end! i know...i just know... di ako pinabayaan ng Dyos.. and he wont desert me this time!!!!!!!!

jia you simsim!!!! jia you!!!!


just believe... i just hve to believe,,, endurance is the key!! panu na lng kung ako ang sumuko?? panu na??

again, i lost my life when i lost....

i ges khit ayaw mong iwan ng isang tao, pag xa na misimo humingi nun,,ibibigay at ibibigay mo khit masakit,,, umalis n nmn ako ulit,,sabi nia eh... mgpapalaboy-laboy na naman... san na nmn kaya ako makakrating..? panu kya ako ulit ako mabubuhay? hindi na bale... may rason ang lahat... kagaya ng dati... ipauubya ko n lng ulit sa Dyos...

malungkot ako, nasasaktan, feeling ko wala n nmn ang puso ko... kc for the second time pinaalis n nmn nia ako sa buhay nia.. kc for the second time hindi na nia ako ulit kailangn,,, cguwo nga mali ako kc kala ko kailngn nia ako...hindi na pla... pero bakit ganun? parati na lng xa ganun? ginagawa nia akong basahan... tapos la xang pakialam kung nsasaktan na ako... la xang pakialm kung nagagalit na ako... basta ggwin nia lht, susundin nia ng utos ng utak nia khit na may naissantabi na xa... sna hindi na lng xa insensitive.. sna di nalang xa cold.. sna khit mnsan mrmdmn ko na may pakialam xa sa feelings ko... sana di n lng xa bumalik, kung uulitin lng pla nia ung gnwa nia dti... hindi nmn nia ako ppigilan kung umalis ako eh...la rin xa pakialm kung bumalik ulit ako, conceited xa sa feelings nia eh... kinakahon nia lahat... selfish ka!

anu pa bang dapt kong gawin para iparmdam sau na may isang taong ngpapahalaga sau ng sobra?? magpakamatay? uminom ng lason? la na akong ibng alam gawin... i know i dnt know how to love perfectly,but im loving you as much as i know how to... sabi nla di ka worthy sa affection n bnbgay ko... na dapt na kitang isantabi at humanap ng iba na papahalagahn rin ako... tama sila! di ka nga worthy...kc ang baba prin ng turing mo sakin...khit anung gawin ko... ung ibng frens mo pag kelangn ka nila, agad2x mong sasamhn, pwo ako... khit malapit ko na isuko lht,khit na di ko na kaya... di mo ako msamhn... you would just want me understnd that u cnt help me... dba unfair un? db?
u want me to understnd u always... but does it occur to you even for a single moment that i need u to understnd me also? that i really need you when i say i need you? selfish ka nga... tanga nmn ako... di ako ung tipo ng tao na humihingi ng kapalit..pwo sana ang gusto ko lng importnsya...khit konti.. kc mahalga un sakin eh...

at this very moment, im not mad... im just dead... dead from sadness... immobilzed by tears... and corrupted,for once again... you sent me away...so casually...




sbi mo u'll change na,,, gift mo un sakin nung birthday ko dba? san na gift mo? :(

"the stone cutter"

Holy Week ngaun db? sabi nila now is the right time to reflect on one's life...
reflect...reflect...reflect... ako kc nkkpgreflect ako pag kailangn ko na tlga o kya nmn kunwari may nabasa ako o narinig na angkop sa buhay ko...

every sunday nakagawian na ng mama ko bumili ng Phil. Star para sakin... at ako dapt ang unang hahawak noon!! pag may nakialam before me... tepok!! hinihimay-himay ko ung sections ng broadsheet at kukunin ko lng ung mga gusto kong basahin... ^_^ so pagkataz ko... manipis na lng ung dyaryo.. haha! at un na lng ang pagttyagaan ng mga ksama ko sa bahay... hahaha! ang bad ko noh?!! ^_^ newei, last night ko lng nabsa ang weekly column ni Jim Paredez noong march 18... tagal na noh...? newei... ung title ng article nia ay Coming Full Circle...

I will post here a modern day parable... na nbasa ko sa column niya... i think that this parable is for those who are not contented with their lives and for those who wants what they have to suffice...

"there was once a stone cutter who was dissatisfied with himself and with his position in life. one day he passed a wealthy merchant's house. through the open gateway, he saw many fine possessions and important visitors. 'how powerful that merchant must be!' thought the stone cutter. he became very envious and wished that he could be like the merchant.

to his great surprise, he suddenly became the merchant, enjoying more luxuries and power than he had ever imagined, but envied and detested by those less wealthy than himself. soon a high official passed by, carried in a sedan chair, accompanied by attendants and escorted by soldiers beatings gongs. everyone, no matter how wealthy had to bow low before the procession. 'how powerful that official is!' he thought. 'I wish that i could be a high official!'

then he became the high officical, carried everywhere in his embroidered sedan chair, feared and hated by the people all around. it was a hot summer day, so the official felt very uncomfortable in the sticky sedan chair. he lookep up the sun. it shone proudly in the sky, unaffeted by his presence. 'how powerful the sun is!' he thought. 'i wish that i could be the sun!'

then he became the sun, shining fiercely down on everyone, scorching the fields, cursed by the farmers and laborers. but a huge black cloud moved between him and the earth, so that his light coud no longr shine on everything below. 'how powerful that storm cloud is!' he thought. 'I wish that i could be a cloud'

then he became the cloud, flooding the fields and villages, shouted at by everyone. but soon he found that he was being pushed away by some great force, and realized that it was the wind. 'how powerful the wind is!' he thought. 'I wish that i could be the wind'

then he became the wind, blowing tiles off the roofs of houses, uprooting trees, feared and hated by all below him. but after a while, he ran up against something that would not move, no matter how forcefully he blew against it - a huge, towering rock. 'how powerful that rock is!' he thought. 'I wish i could be that rock!'

then he became the rock, more powerful than anything else on earth. but as he stood there, he heard the sound of hammer pounding a chisel into the hard surface, and felt himself being changed. 'what could be more powerful than i, the rock?' he thought.

he looked down and saw far below him the figure of a stone cutter..."


the end... now you reflect.... go! reflect!

because its like this...

(this was my latest entry on my friendster blog...)

sometimes reminiscing gives you joy...
remembering the times that went by...
indulging yourself to memories that is no longer existing...
foolishly stirring up emotions that was all meant to be forgotten...
the past, it may not always shed some light to reality,
but it somehow sedates the pain of today...

these past few months i recurrently find myself reminiscing more often than i used to...
plus thinking of the "what could have beens" and the "what ifs"
maybe because my heart believes that a certain moment in my past made me really happy...
made me feel alive...
this belief took a life of its own...
made me grasp harder where my happy past stays loosely hanging...
even if the chain was rapidly slicing through my core...
still i decided to hold on...

setting aside my bruised self and once again welcoming the alluring tinge of hope...
hope made me stay longer than my heart had wanted to...
i never gave up on hope, i never wanted to but hope gave up on me...
then anger entered my heart, pain fueled this madness...
rage corrupted my being... i actually allowed it...
it made me numb...
i know numbness is not the cure, but i'd rather have this than none to protect me...

i've decided to run away from this grief and move on...
let go... scamper...
try my best not to look back...
struggle to close the saddest chapter in my life...
it seems unfair to lose hapiness all of a sudden...
with nothing much left but misery and sorrow...
and seeing a chance of having it once again...
but losing it totally in the end...
asking why it happened doesn't make sense anymore...
asking why poeple acted the way they did unknowingly brings more questions...
asking how it all happened is pointless...
but asking how to live after dying is what matters...

people may not see the sadness in my eyes...
the pain this chapter brought upon me...
but try to look at my soul...
and you'll see that it is still crying...
rivers of tears flowing incessantly...
but you see... i can't return now...
i'm too far from where i used to stand...
i can't... i just can't...

nothing is coincidence, i believe...
everything happens for a reason...
this is destined, i guess...
coz at the end of the day...
as i turn off the lights...
one thing is for sure...
i know in my heart i had a friend...
a wonderful friendship...
incredible memories to be cherished...
and yet i lost it...

and to those who stayed...

i will always keep them... them who never left...
them who carried me out of the hell i was sinking...
i will always treasure them... treat them as if they are priceless, well in fact they really are...
i am gratefully happy...
thank you very much...

and for the friend i used to have...
life goes on...
i will go on...
and so shall you...