i'm sad.

so... im back.. after a few days im back...

i actually have nothing on my mind... i mean mron nmn pwo i dnt wna ryt about it...

nalulungkot ako kc umuulan, ilng arw na alang pasok.., ilang araw n ako alng gnagwa...
six days na kmi di nguusap... la lng nalulungkot lng ako.. pwo i'll get by...

i'm sleepy... matutulog na ako... kc sa panaginip lng kmi nguusp eh... *sigh*

nyt...

again, i lost my life when i lost....

i ges khit ayaw mong iwan ng isang tao, pag xa na misimo humingi nun,,ibibigay at ibibigay mo khit masakit,,, umalis n nmn ako ulit,,sabi nia eh... mgpapalaboy-laboy na naman... san na nmn kaya ako makakrating..? panu kya ako ulit ako mabubuhay? hindi na bale... may rason ang lahat... kagaya ng dati... ipauubya ko n lng ulit sa Dyos...

malungkot ako, nasasaktan, feeling ko wala n nmn ang puso ko... kc for the second time pinaalis n nmn nia ako sa buhay nia.. kc for the second time hindi na nia ako ulit kailangn,,, cguwo nga mali ako kc kala ko kailngn nia ako...hindi na pla... pero bakit ganun? parati na lng xa ganun? ginagawa nia akong basahan... tapos la xang pakialam kung nsasaktan na ako... la xang pakialm kung nagagalit na ako... basta ggwin nia lht, susundin nia ng utos ng utak nia khit na may naissantabi na xa... sna hindi na lng xa insensitive.. sna di nalang xa cold.. sna khit mnsan mrmdmn ko na may pakialam xa sa feelings ko... sana di n lng xa bumalik, kung uulitin lng pla nia ung gnwa nia dti... hindi nmn nia ako ppigilan kung umalis ako eh...la rin xa pakialm kung bumalik ulit ako, conceited xa sa feelings nia eh... kinakahon nia lahat... selfish ka!

anu pa bang dapt kong gawin para iparmdam sau na may isang taong ngpapahalaga sau ng sobra?? magpakamatay? uminom ng lason? la na akong ibng alam gawin... i know i dnt know how to love perfectly,but im loving you as much as i know how to... sabi nla di ka worthy sa affection n bnbgay ko... na dapt na kitang isantabi at humanap ng iba na papahalagahn rin ako... tama sila! di ka nga worthy...kc ang baba prin ng turing mo sakin...khit anung gawin ko... ung ibng frens mo pag kelangn ka nila, agad2x mong sasamhn, pwo ako... khit malapit ko na isuko lht,khit na di ko na kaya... di mo ako msamhn... you would just want me understnd that u cnt help me... dba unfair un? db?
u want me to understnd u always... but does it occur to you even for a single moment that i need u to understnd me also? that i really need you when i say i need you? selfish ka nga... tanga nmn ako... di ako ung tipo ng tao na humihingi ng kapalit..pwo sana ang gusto ko lng importnsya...khit konti.. kc mahalga un sakin eh...

at this very moment, im not mad... im just dead... dead from sadness... immobilzed by tears... and corrupted,for once again... you sent me away...so casually...




sbi mo u'll change na,,, gift mo un sakin nung birthday ko dba? san na gift mo? :(

**you wouldn't want to be in my shoe....**

"bakit ko pa susbukan na iwan ka at mabuhay ng wala ka kung alam ko namang hindi ko kaya..?!"

im in daze the whole day... alam ko marami dpt akong gawin, pwo hindi ko nagawa...
nanuod lng ako ng TV buong araw... ang dami kong iniisp...^_^

im worried about him....ayoko ung ganito! na hindi ko lam kung anu ngyyri sa knya..kung asan xa! ayaw na ayaw kong umalis sa tabi nia na alam kong mayroon xang dinaramdam... natatkot ako sa kung anong pwedeng nyang gawin... damn, naiiyak na ako! :(

hindi ko alm kung anu ngyyri sakin...pero buong arw na ito! i can't seem to get my mind off him! i'm worried, that's all i know... scared and worried...

my dream last night, it wasn't good... he told me that's he's leaving... than i woke up having a painful heart. i don't want him to go... i just can't go on without him... for as long as i know he needs someone, i can't go and i wouldn't want him to go... the mere thought of him leaving scares me, i can't see him go away,, not again...

i know im being selfish! i know that! the world can call me selfish, conceited... anything! but still, they won't understnd how i feel... how much i treasure him... how much he means to me... well,i can let him go if i want to...i'll just tell him to go and that i'll be fine... but i cant! i dont want to! coz i know that i won't be alright! i wont be alright!!!! for once, i want the one person who matters to me stay... stay... my father left me when he died... my bestfriend did when he migrated... i was nver the same..!

important men in my life seem to have a pattern,and that is too leave me... and now that i can decide if he shall stay, then why the hell would i allow him to go? why?
tell me...?

i'm so sorry for being selfish... i just cant let him go...again...
i'm sorry...

my past comes hurling back...

ai nakakhiya nmn ako... mahigit two months na pla nung huli akong nagsulat dito... paxenxa..

newei, san ba ako mgsisimula? ...hindi ko alam...hhaaii... nakakahiya tlga...

o cge,, uumpsihan ko sa nangyri kanina...

a while ago, i was looking at nathaniel's profile...and ive decided to give him a commnt.. ang sbi ko dun,,, "musta kna thaniel? its been a long time..npadaan lng ako sa profile mo.. take care.." taz nisip ko bigla... 'shit.. xa ung dati kong mahal.. ung taong nagpsaya at nagpalungkot ng buhay ko dati...' mahal na mahal ko un dati sobra... ni hindi ko nga mabilang kung ilng balde ang naiyak ko dahil sa kanya... he left me so many memories... so fucking many... but at present, all i can remember are the good ones... maybe coz i dnt want to remmber the ones that made me cry... its true that memories are a good thing, if u just dnt have to deal with the past...

marami akong natutunan dhil kay nathaniel...natuto akong magmahl ng lubos, magbigay, at tanggapin ang katotohann na di lht ng minamahal ntin ay kaya rin taung mahalin... ive learned my leeson well enuf...

kanina hbng pngmamsdan ko ang picture nia, naisp ko na anu kya kung mhalin ko xa ulit? anu kaya kung bumalik ako sa buhay nia? anu kya? anu kya ang mangyayari sakin pag gnwa ko un? nkakatawa... hindi ko kya... ang hirap pla tlga bumalik sa nakaraan... its like i can't open my heart for him again...for his chapter in my life is through... at kahit na hinahayaang kong isipin na mhalin xa ulit, dhil cguro sa lam ko na kung panu, hindi prin!

pwo masya prin ako.. despite evrything,dhil may isang nathaniel ang dumting sa buhay ko, minahal, iniyakan at kinalimutan kung panu mahlin...

love nevr goes away... it only fades... i may not love nathaniel like i used to, but i know i still love him in some uncanny sort of way...