second chances...

posted: march 30, 8:15pm

after posting my entry a while ago... i came to a halt and lay in my bed to think...

(believe me when i say, being a thinker is sometimes agrravating...)

there were several things that whoosh my mind into the "thinker's world"...
it was mostly about my previous entry and my bathing outfit for sunday, of cors!
then i went downstairs and hooked the tv up to Star Movies... and watch the life story of Fantasia Barrino... yah! the 3rd or 4th American Idol...*im not sure* she had a painful early life but look at her now! and she sings like... like she was meant to!

you know what... i'll let you in on a secret... when i was child... i dreamt of becoming a famous singer, like Regine or Mariah... i practically sang all my way from elementary to high school! countless times i sang on stage... with or without accompaniment... less than a hundred or more than a thousand audience... it doesn't matter... music was my life... singing was my passion... but it all changed when i entered college... i dnt know... it disappeared like poof! im not saying that i dnt want to sing on stage anymore... i love to do it again... i miss doing it... but my passion plunged into a deep slumber and i cant wake it up... honestly, smoking got in my way... my voice is not like it used to... then i began not reaching the tone i desired... well... to cut the story short, my love for music slowly faded away,...

i still sing... for myself, with my friends, and sometimes, should i say for my undying fans,... haha... yet i dont sing like i used to... no melody in my heart... no passion in my veins... no rhythm in my soul... im like a dead singer nowadays... and im hoping for someone or something to revive me to sing again...

a second chance... im hoping for a second chance even if i dont wanna believe in it...

a conversation is a slippery creature...

posted: march 30, 3:20pm

magnaname na ako ng names... wala akong pakialm sa mangyayari pagkataz nito... kung anu sasbhin ng ibang tao... i wont care... this is my blog... i'll write anything i want in here....

elias,

uhmm.... hello... remmber bout the conversation i was asking from you? it was actually para maaus ung pains ko... there are lotsa inquiries up my mind na hndi ko prin lam kung panu ko sasagutin... and that's the reason why.,,"hmmm..." lang ang reply ko sa msg mo... but the reason why i came back is pra tulungan kang maka-cope sa life mo... i want you to be okay... kc i know you have lots of pain too... but it doesnt mean na wala na akong pain...na wla na akong hinanakit sau,, sineset-aside ko lng un para tulungan ka... kc mas matimbang prin sakin si "elias"... kc alam ko i need to be there for you...

i dnt know kung mkakapagusp pa tayo... i dnt know...
but if we wont be able to talk... isipin mo n lng ung advice ko sau...
and i guess... i'll have to deal with the pain my own way...

elias, you wont ever know the hell i went through when you turned your back on me... sna mantindihan mo un... but i know, i still want you back... but i have to deal with my pain first...

eca

the cushion beneath my heavy heart...

do you like routines? ung tipong parati ganun na lng ang takbo ng buhay mo... ung walang change..? ako hndi... i hate routines... feeling ko mamimiss ko ang life pag parating isang way lng ang daan ko...

habits? do you have habits...? nail-biting habits... excessive smoking habits... and alot more... i do... lotsa them....

i will tell you one of my most noble habits... take note... noble?!!! yah... noble... there is this chapel in teresa,,, ung malapit sa main... sa tabi ng basketball court at health center...lam nio ba un? alm nio, hindi pwedeng hndi ako dumaan sa chapel na un...khit malalate na ako... dadaan tlga ako... as in! mgppray ako kay Yahweh sandali taz mgkkwnto... khit gabi na... khit may ksama pa ako... basta hndi pwede hndi!

knina.. dumaan ako dun... papuntang main... ngdasal ako... ang sabi ko kay Yahweh... wag nia pabayaan mama ko... at sna maubos ung mga food na niluto sa canteen namin... taz all of sudden my mind traced back to my dillema bout a certain friend... then i prayed... ang sabi ko kay Yahweh... "Yahweh, ang gulo po ng isip at puso ko... hndi ko maintndhn kung anu ang dapt kong marmdmn.. kung anu ang dpt kong gawin... Yahweh.. . ipauubaya ko na lng po sainu laht... at maniniwala ako na kung man ang mangyari... iyon ay para sa kabutihan naming dalwa... ikaw na po ang bahala"

technically... i left it all to Yawhweh's divine hands... it feels good, when you lift something up to the Lord and believing in him... trust that everything will be alright in the end.. that things will work its way out with his divine love... i did that coz, i know i'd still have personal inquiries...doubts, pains...in my heart and lifting everything up to him will lessen my tendencies to do things my way... which is im sure will be a disaster...and i might end up hurting myself more...

lifting up something to Yahweh clears the fog that always makes me lose my way... and there's this tinge of relief and feeling that despite the pain... i know, i just know... that he will not let me down... and that he will help us get through...

i didn't do that because im losing hope, but i did that coz im praying for it...

whahahahahahaha.......

oi in fairness... nkatulong ung pagtulog... tska ung pagbblog... kc after posting my blog... mejo nwala ung mga thoughts ko...tska kgbi.. pmnta ako ng terrace namin... at nagsulat... habang nagyoyosi... lol!!!

uhmm... i nid to breathe some fresh air... kya please... take me to antipolo... hahahahahahahaha!!!! gumawa ng dahilan... hahahahaha! if you notice... mejo jolly na ung mood ko... even though nakakabother na nmn ung nabasa kong shoutout kanina... di nmn ako nabother ng sobra... albeit... it gave me an idea pa nga eh... anyway... bkit kaya ung time ng blog ko... mali... tska ung date nia... late ng isang arw... parang gago... hahahahaha... ang weird... o ngaun!! sunday ngaun ha!! sunday!!! taz mmaya bka saturday na nmn ang makita ko.. hai..

monday na bukas.. taz sa tuesday... HUMANITIES na!!! sasayaw na ang mga mahal kong elite...!!! yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! manunuod ako... manunuod ako... bebebebebe....

gagawa nga ako ng mga placards eh... hihihihihihihi...

ang sarap tumawa... hahahahahahahahaha!!! mkha nmng hysterical ako ngaun noh... actually mejo nga... pwo mas gutso ko na itoh kesa na depressed...wat u think? hei? wat you think?

frustrated sleeping beauty...

all i want to do is sleep...!!!! sleep all day and sleep all night!! para sa ganun hndi na ako makapagisip... ayoko ng mgisp...!! ayoko ng isipin ung mga bagay na naiisip ko!!! ayoko na... pagod na utak ko... kya knina kapag naaalimpungatan ako sandali... pinipilit ko ulit matulog... tulog lng2x!!! kc the moment i wake up... bumabalik sakin ung mga thoughts... ayko na... huhuhuhuhu... naiiyak na ako...

hhhaaaiii... ang dami kong nrrmdamn ng sabay2x..., bumalik lahat.. ang dami ko na ulit gustong itanong, ang dami kong gustong malaman... ang dami ko ulit gustong sabhin... gusto ko ng bumalik sa nakasanayan ko... kc nakalimutan ko na ang mga itoh eh... bkit pa ako hinabol? nging kontento na ako sa kinalalagayan ko dati eh...

ayoko ng ganito.... nghhnty ulit ako para sa mga sagot na alam kong hndi ko nmn malalaman... nrrmdmn ko ulit ung mga feelings na pilit ko ng kinalimutan, bumabalik ulit ung mga alaala na wala na ngaung kabuluhan!!! shhhiiittt!!!!!! tulungan nio ako.. parang awa nio na... pahingi ng valium!!! pra makatulog ako ult ng tuloy2x!!! hndi ko n lm ggwin ko... Yahweh.. please shed me some light.. please...

i want to go to anitipolo!! ung lugar doon kung san ako pwede sumigaw on the top of my lungs.... ng wlang makikialam sakin!! para mailabas ko laht ng sama ng loob ko!! mailabas ko lht ng nrrmdmn ko... lht ng hinanakit na bumalot sa heart ko for the past 5 months... **can somebody please take me there!!! i beg of you... khit mgbayad ako bsta makapunta lng ako doon..** huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu....

*all i want is to forget everything all over again!!!!!*

losing my sim..... huhuhuhuhuhu....

hhhaaiii....... i lost my smart simcard!!! pinagsilbihn ako nun ng anim na taon!!! taz nwala lng xa ng ganun?? huhuhuhuhu... kakaiyak... kakalungkot... well... at least hndi celphone ang nwala... ung simcard lng ang kinuha... thank you parin Yahweh... muah!

aaaahhhh,,,,,,, actually di ko n nmn alam kung san n nmn ako lulugar... san nga ba? help nmn oh... should i continue this... ung way na pabalik sa knia or i will follow the road i've been paving for the past months? well... i can say.. that i got along!! i really got along without him...natuto akong mbuhay ng wla ung isa sa pinakaimportanteng tao sa buhay ko... it was really hard at first.... but,, nakya ko nmn khit papanu... kya aun..!! pwo kc,,, this is not happening without a reason eh... i min hndi ko ito mgagawa lht kung ayaw ni Yahweh na gawin ko itoh... bhla na... i dnt know na... laugh2x na lng ako!!! hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

at bout dun sa simcard ko... bibili n lng ako ng bagong sim na smart!! can u imagine... dumaan sa simcard na un ang lovelife ko in six years!!!!?!! but thinking bout that... its one good way of forgetting na rin... i'll take it as a blessing n lng!!! yeah... a blessing!!! muah!

it's kinda different this time...

uhmm... di ko alam kung tama ung ginwa ko... kung majujustify ko ba lht in the end... ang alm ko lng, it just FELT right...


and now i will continue moving on... like i did for the past few months...


pero isa lng ang cgurdo sa lht ng ito... at iyon ay... pag nging sobrng halaga ng isang tao sa buhay mo... khit anu pa ang mngyri betweeen the two of you... you may forget, lose contact, drift, fight, anything... babalik at babalik ka prin sa mga oras na kailngn knia... khit na isang parte ng pagkatao mo ay ngdadalawang isip sa gagawin mo...


i guess,,, our souls know what we really want, what is good for us, and what we really have to do and even if we continue dismissing the urge... in the end it shall always find a way to get what it really desires... after all... our souls is what makes us alive...


uhmm... you see,,, its knda different this time... i didnt shed tears coz of the pain he inflicted on me... but i shed tears, once again, because of the pain that hurts him...


kinda weird if you think... i cried for the person who used to make me cry... isnt it ironic? this is one the major ironies life has brought me... thank you!!! ang lakas!! hahaha...

was i out of my mind? why did i do that?

before i write anything here pa... i just want to get one thing straight... i meant wat i wrote in the message... one part of me really felt that way ... that i was so sorry... at nang nbsa ko un... hndi ko kayang hndi mgreact bout it..

but the question for non other than me is: why the hell did i do that?!! was my empathic ability stronger than my pathetic side?!!! was the brief moment of kindness enough for me to reach out again? have i lost my wits!!!? thinking that i was the one who reached out again!?!!! now what will hapen... i dont how i feel, coz i dnt know why i did that... and i dont know wat to feel...

i just felt sorry for him... i was sincerely taken aback by the shoutout... i mean khit sinu pa un mgsulat ng ganun at malmn mo na ganun ang nrrmdmn nia... ay msasaktan ako pra sknia... oo...khit ikaw... khit ikaw... cguwo lalo kna... i nver wanted to see you this way... that was one the reason why i held on for a long time... i thought you were happy... i told u to be happy remmber? but why arent you happy? i thought you have found someone better,,, ung dahiln kung bkit hndi kna bumalik... them who would be more real? i remmber you wrote something bout real if im not mistaken... but i nver thought that your feelings would become so unbearable that you've opted to post something like that... its sounds like an add... that is not the right way to find real... and you seem a little impatient in finding one... i thought you'll be patient enought to wait...

i realized after reading your shoutout that... im lucky coz i still have my friends... and my best friend... and i was smhow reminded bout was i said na "pag lumagapak ka... pupulutin nmn kita eh... wat are frens for?" ive always wanted to be there for you in the past... but things really changed drastically... i know i told you not to talk to me anymore... thank you kc hndi mo nga ako kinausp...

please try to be happy... please...

"at kaya mo yan... wag kang susuko... wag mo sila isipn... nndito lng ako..."





when the right time comes na we can talk to each other na...

sna mkta ko prin ung nging kaibgn ko...

mkta ko ulit ung taong nkilala ko...


- the good side of me...

stressful friday..phew...

note: i started this post at exactly 7:54pm... march 16, 2007...

i am waiting for my turtle-like-speed internet connection to finish downloading the song "could have been" on youtube... one of my major LSS ever!! i've been singing it since last wednesday... evrywhere!! as in! while im bathing, eating, typing last night, during my vancnt time... and even during my yosi break!! damn... uhmm.. i wonder y... can someone please tell my why this song keeps bugging me?!!!! aaarrgghh!!! but don't get me wrong... i like the song... actually love it... take note: the song!! not the singer... oops... bad eca2x!! haha...

newei... i had a very stressful day... imagine from 7:30am to 1:30pm...no breaks!!! damn... luckily i was the person meant to report on stress management, and found out that writing is one way of coping with stress!! that's why twinkle, you're helping me cope!! thank you very much... muah!! but seriously... writing really helped me alot!! and since i started expressingly my dramatic self here... it somehow took half of my pains, half of my frustrations... it seems as if you, twinkle absorbs everything like a sponge all the heartaches of your beloved editor... hahaha... i appreciate it... hope you wont get tired!! hahaha!!

because its like this...

(this was my latest entry on my friendster blog...)

sometimes reminiscing gives you joy...
remembering the times that went by...
indulging yourself to memories that is no longer existing...
foolishly stirring up emotions that was all meant to be forgotten...
the past, it may not always shed some light to reality,
but it somehow sedates the pain of today...

these past few months i recurrently find myself reminiscing more often than i used to...
plus thinking of the "what could have beens" and the "what ifs"
maybe because my heart believes that a certain moment in my past made me really happy...
made me feel alive...
this belief took a life of its own...
made me grasp harder where my happy past stays loosely hanging...
even if the chain was rapidly slicing through my core...
still i decided to hold on...

setting aside my bruised self and once again welcoming the alluring tinge of hope...
hope made me stay longer than my heart had wanted to...
i never gave up on hope, i never wanted to but hope gave up on me...
then anger entered my heart, pain fueled this madness...
rage corrupted my being... i actually allowed it...
it made me numb...
i know numbness is not the cure, but i'd rather have this than none to protect me...

i've decided to run away from this grief and move on...
let go... scamper...
try my best not to look back...
struggle to close the saddest chapter in my life...
it seems unfair to lose hapiness all of a sudden...
with nothing much left but misery and sorrow...
and seeing a chance of having it once again...
but losing it totally in the end...
asking why it happened doesn't make sense anymore...
asking why poeple acted the way they did unknowingly brings more questions...
asking how it all happened is pointless...
but asking how to live after dying is what matters...

people may not see the sadness in my eyes...
the pain this chapter brought upon me...
but try to look at my soul...
and you'll see that it is still crying...
rivers of tears flowing incessantly...
but you see... i can't return now...
i'm too far from where i used to stand...
i can't... i just can't...

nothing is coincidence, i believe...
everything happens for a reason...
this is destined, i guess...
coz at the end of the day...
as i turn off the lights...
one thing is for sure...
i know in my heart i had a friend...
a wonderful friendship...
incredible memories to be cherished...
and yet i lost it...

and to those who stayed...

i will always keep them... them who never left...
them who carried me out of the hell i was sinking...
i will always treasure them... treat them as if they are priceless, well in fact they really are...
i am gratefully happy...
thank you very much...

and for the friend i used to have...
life goes on...
i will go on...
and so shall you...

dusk before dawn...

we won!! we won!! we won!! bbrc 2-1d is the inter-section debate champion!!! yahoo!! pretty tight match but our UNSHAKEABLE debate team... wiggled their way through it with ease... plus the fact that... we won't be having out finals anymore!!! whahahahahaha!!!

candidly, bout the crossroads i was talking bout the other day,,, some are almost pristinely glimmering with hope and good news... i'll be taking my exams for Psychology tomorrow... handing my take home quiz for deabte to Jm tom also... but this will only happen if LTS will pursue this friday....but if not.. then baby, these preparations are too ahead of time... ^_^ but no matter what happens... i'll see to it that once again i shall experience the breathtaking, adrenaline pumping memory of participating in LTS this year!


dusk... or dawn? which do you prefer? the rising of the sun or the guidance of the moon? uhmm... i dont really know... maybe its in the way one looks at it... or its in the way one links it to their lives...

Dawn signals us for a new beginning, it reminds us that God will always give us a fresh start and that heartaches will eventually subside one glorious morning light... its kinda similar with the saying "there is always a rainbow after the rain"... cool... a reguvinating thought! a hopeful account in life... its nice... don't you think so? whenever i wake up in the morning... i always thank Yahweh that he still allowed me to wake up one more time... a scary truth but a truth nontheless... maybe thats the reason why i live my life like this...trying my best to act out my day as if it were the last... great! but you know what sometimes its hard to live each day knowing that there's a big part of you that has gone missing... floating somewhere... across another person's shore... which is already unreachable... but then again you still try to live and convince yourself that you're doing alright... that you're doing fine,,, than you can go on and live... laugh... and love... all by yourself!

so you see... evrything in this world has an opposite and that if one only perceives more than he thinks... he shall see that opposites are present not to oppose but to balance and support their counterpart... like yin and yang... they co-exist...
so meaning to say if dawn brings new life and hope, dusk teaches you to how to move on and let go...

a very helpful insight for a very stubborn mind...
(present!!)

whoever reads this article fo mine... i hope that i have shed some light to your life somehow...

thank you very much... ^_^

ciao...

stranger in my midst...

today is monday... the 12th day of the 3rd month of the year...
at ilang arw nalng LTS na!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yahoo... ^_^ but i still hve some crossroads to pass through before friday so... with cross-fingers i'll try passing through these with caution... ^_^

newei... lets talk bout being a stranger... its very hard to be a lone strnger in a plce... especially when they look at u as if u're not welcome...
but how does it feel to act like a stranger to someone you used to know so well? and act as if nothing ever transpired between the two of you... and engage in a conversation that might have actually fooled anyone that u dont really know each other...
you'll start with "hey... you look familiar... have we met before..?" and the rest is history.. haha..

you might think that ive lost my wits... conjuring a thought like this..
but... i have this fair insight... kinda hard for me to put it into words...
but let me try...

you see... wen you actually lost a fren.. abruptly or slowly... violently or casually... (it really doesnt matter how)... the bridge between the two you will suddenly collapse. ppooff! not necessarily masira lht agd but hndi na ito buo...
magdedepnde rin ang wreckage sa kung anu ang ngyri... mas msakit mas grabe...

so lets go for the worst scenario... ung total wreckage because of the impudent after shocks... (gnwang earthquake!! lol!)
ung tipong... di kau evr mn ngkakilala!! taz ung tipong...la na tlga ung connection... kung baga sa celphone... la ng bat, la na load at na-erase pa ung number!!! kabboom!! tragic!!!

so aun nga... para mkgpusap ulit kau, (dhil gusto nio prin nmn kauspin ang isa't-isa khit papanu... dhil u miss talking to each other rin...) na hndi nio kailangn pgusapn ung mga ngyari... at dhil sa turingan nio na ay msahol pa sa strangers... e act as if di nga tlga kau ngkakilala... para khit sa ganun... marmdmn nio ung presence ng isa't-isa ulit khit sglit lng... at least sa conversation naun... u can talk nething under the sun... bsta make sure na lang sisira ng mundo nio.. haha!! kumbaga sa comm theory pa e ito ung CMM o MMC.. ai ewan nakalimtn ko... hahaha...basta un na un!
nwei... so ganun nga... u can feel each other's presnce for a mean time and then deicide in the end if you want to continue acting that way...start acting the way u used to... or let that experience be a memory na lng... that will depend sa mrrmdamn ninyo... but u can break the illusion midway and talk things over... discuss the past.. it will be a bit risky,a little bit painful, a little bit nerve-racking but if its really meant to happen... heck, it will!!

pwo lm nio kung nu pkmhrp sa snsbi ko... ang pnkmhrp ay ung kayanin mong magpanggap na hndi mo nrrmdmn ung sakit hbng kausp xa... ouch noh?? yah...


u see... i dnt know if this insight of mine will work for me... haha... ewan ko... one part of me yearns to find a way to mend the broken bridge... to rebuild it to its glorious past... maybe i shall try or maybe not...

i really dont know yet... i have yet to know...
when that day comes...
when that day comes...

alone but not lonely..

nsa net cafe me ngaun... i waiting for my 2nd class... and for elite as well.. ^_^
ill be going home early mmya... kc kailngn ako sa sa haus,...
newei... un lng muna... mmya n ulit ha... mmya na pguwi... ^_^

muah! xoxo twinkle!

T.G.I.F.... ^_^

it's me again... nu b sasabhin ko sau?? wait... ah... nga pla... knina isa lng ang class ko... kc di na ako pumasok sa 3rd subject ko... wkekekekeke.... taz bukas na ung closing ng comcampaign namin... haiii salmat namn...

at mmya pgktaz kita gawin... babashin ko na ulit ung Celestine Prophecy... di ko pa kc xa taz eh... hehehehehe.... nagaus si mama ng kwarto kya malinis ang kwarto namin ngaun... at bago narin ang pwesto ng p.c. namin... ^_^ this time next week... hopefully nsa LTS ako... ksma ang elite.. ^_^ lam mo twinkle...si pongpong namin tulog ng tulog... khit saan xa hihiga para xang unan... ang cute2x nga nia eh... ^_^

knina bang kumakain ako ng dinner na egg at hotdog... naisip ko na... once again im in the stage in my life na wlang lamn ang puso ko... wla... (im reffering to someone special ha...) tulad ng nkasanayan ko... wla ito nrrmdamn khit knino... lam mo ung empty space lang... parang black hole... mnsan iniisp ko na... bkit kya ganun? lang dumarating... o bka nmn nsa akin ang problema... bka nmn kc ako ang hndi marunong tumingin... hai... ewan... cguro sanayn nga lng tlga... at msasabi ko na nsnay narin nmn ako... ilng taon nrin eh... haha.. newei im still young p nmn... i still have alot ahead of me... i may not even see a glance of "someone" ryt now... but hopefully i will see "someone" in the future...

heck! i always say that patience is a virtue... so then i will be patient.. ^_^

i may have let a few people pass by... i may not know what could have happened... but no regrets... for i know that the reason why we do certain things is because that was what we believe we must do at that very moment... thats why, im trying to format myself not to regret anymore...

wat is done is done... i wont be able to turn back time... so i'll just look ahead and try not to look back...


and besides... i'll never miss wat i never knew...

g'nyt... (",)

hai... tiredness...

newei... ok nmn ang araw ko...
well...maliban sa nkakabaliw kong eksena na hndi ko rin kinya pwo kinaya ko nmn...
dun bout sa chewing gum,,,
hahahahahaha!!!! buti lng tlga... lakas confdnce ko eh...
hahahahahaha!!!!
feeling ko hndi na ako muling kakain ng VFRESH all my life!! hahahahaha....
pwo at least msaya ako kc once again napanuod ng mga tao ung screenplay ko...
at marami sila naintndhn dun...

o nga pla... knina may eksena n nmn ako tungkol kay "xa"...
kc knina bumili ako ng tatlong tinapay taz inwan ko ung plastic ng julie's sa tabi ng bag ko...
taz pagktaz ng seminar... nkita ko na dlwa na lng...
e nkita ko si koya na ngumunguya... kya ang sbi ko saknia "koya adrian bkit mo kinain tinapay ko??!!" sumigaw ako tlga nun.. kc nga nmn tinapay ko nga nmn tlga un dba?
taz na-specchless ako sa cnbi ni koya.. "di ako ung kumain, si "xa" ung kumain!!"
wwwaaahhh!! nawindang ako!!! natahimik ako ng sandli... taz sbi ko.. "ok!" ung tipong... "aahh... ganun ba? no commnt... yaw ko mgsalita,,,"
taz si bebe... ang say nmn nia.. "aaiii si eca..."
hahahahahahahaha!!! di ko nmn tlga intention un eh...
feeling ko tuloy, tinapay na nga lng pngswapng ko pa... hahahahahaha!!!
last week.. tubig!! ngaun tinapay! anu sunod palamn?!! breakfast na?!!
hahahahahaha!!

pwo kung titignan mo... ang lala n tlga ng ngyari sa frenship namin...
kc dati... bibili pa tlga ako ng food pra sa knia... at kung nu mn kinakaen ko share pa kmi...
di tulad ngaun... di tulad ngaun... hai...
hai... nowadays pag nakikita ko ung mga taong close sknia...babae man o lalake...
i cant help not to think na... dati gnyan rin kami... msahol pa...
o kya... ooiisst... ako dpt dyan ha...
pwo kc la na rin ako karapatan... di na kmi close eh... di pa kmi mgkaibgn...
umalis na ako... pwo kc ang tagl ko rin nghntay...
di ko lm kung panu ngyari lht ng ito... pwo hndi nrin cguwo mhlga pa kung malmn ko...
ngyri na ang ngyri... di ko naisalba frenship namin, tuluyan itong lumubog sa kumunoy...
di ko lm kung bkit di nia sinubukan isalba... kung bkit di xa bumalik...
kc naniniwala ako na pag gusto bumalik sau ang isang tao... babalik at baablik xa...
khit lm niang hndi ito madali... pipilitan prin niang bumalik...
e di xa bumalik eh... so it means yaw na nia tlga... yaw na nia ako mging fren...
maskit un pra sakin...kc tinapon lng nia lht ng pngdaanan namin...
di mn lng nia tinake into cnsideration everything...
bgla lng xa umalis...
cguwo nga may ksalanan rin ako... may kslanan kmi dlawa...
pwo kc nghntay ako e... pnrmdm ko na i want him back...
na khit nssktn ako... gusto ko prin xa bumalik...

sguwo kung my kakauspin xa bout this... may iba rin xang point of view...
one part of me wants to hear it... but one part of me doesnt want to anymore...
grabe ung pain... maxadong malalim... na feeling ko pag nrinig ko side nia...
lalo lng ako mssktn... o kya mgagalit...
tma na ung gnito... madami na kc nasabi at ngwa,,, tma na..,
ipauubya ko na lng itong lht sa Dyos...
bhla na xa...

mnsn pag nkkita ko xang malungkot... o kya naiipit sa isang sitwasyon... gsto ko xang kauspin... khit na nsbi ko sknia na magturingan na kming patay... gusto ko prin xang kauspin... gusto ko sbhn sa knia na "ok lng yan.." katuld ng dati... pwo may pumipigil prin na gwin ko un...
kc naisip ko pag snabi ko ba un... bablik ba xa? mkakalimutan ko ba lht? maaaus ba ang lht sa amin? mggng ok lng ba ng ganun2x? di nmn eh... kc khit sbhn ko un... di na mababgo ang nkraan... at slim ung chnce na bablik xa...tska pag gnwa ko un taz di xa bumalik..mssktn ako ulit...kc once agin kinain ko n nmn pride ko... kya hinahayaan ko n lng na ganun ang mngyari saknia... khit hndi ko gusto... la ako mgwa...

he treated me as if im dirt... an old rag na hndi na kailngn kaya tinapon na lng...
disappointed xa skin? ako, hndi ba ako disappointed sa knia? xa na ung pinkamalpit sakin na kaibgn... sumnod na xa sa bes ko... taz iiwan nia ako ng ganun? sinung di mssktn? sinu?
shit xa... shit tlga xa... kya cguro di n rin kmi mgkakaus, hnggng may nananatili akong galit saknia... hnggng may natitirang hinanakit sa puso ko... di ko xa kya tuluyang pakitunguhan ng maaus...hndi... im sorry pwo hndi...

the wound is so deep... tagos pati sa pgkatao ko... it was too much for me to handle...

pwo malay mo... after ten years mgkita kami ulit at magusp... cguwo by then kya n nmn paguspan ung ngyari ng walang grudge sa isa't-isa...
pwo mtgl pa un.... not now, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month... malau pa...


knina pa ako ngsusulat... tumawag na nga si nhie at ngusp na kmi...
newei... tom ulit... twinkle...marami pa akong maisusulat bout "xA"... next time na lng ulit.. ^_^

wkekekekeke..... slamt sa pakikinig... ^_^ muah!

namiss ko xa ngaung tuesday...

nkakafrustrate!!!! di ako mkpgupload ng pic dito... paubos na net load ko, di ko prin ngagawa..!!!
huhuhuhuhu!!! nakakiyak.... huhuhuhuhu,,,, T_T

newei... im back... pwo sandali lng ako ha... ^_^
hmm...hows my day...?
it was fyn khit papanu.. nkita ko buong elite ngaun... kya happy ako!!
after two weeks ngaun lang ulit ako nktambay!!! my gesh!!!
haaii... hiniram ko kay darla ung book nia na celestine prophecy... duh...
ang boring... nakakatmad basahin... mabuti pa RL.Stine eh..!!

nku... ung friendster ko sa other tab.. forty eight years!! yw prin lumbas...may topak n nmn siguro friendster ko... hai.... newei ulit... maaga ako bukas... 8am dpt nasa BK na ako...
pwo lm mo kung anu tlga ung pumuno ng isip ko...?

si teban ang pumuno ng isip ko... kc ngrereport n daw xa sa GMA...
wow!! im so happy for him!!! promise..!! ^_^
la lng... bgla ko lng xa namiss... kc this tym last year... umiikot ung mundo ko sknia... isang taon nrin pla noh? ang bilis pla tlga ng oras... ang daming ngyari... sana ok lng xa ngaun... namimiss ko na ngiti nun... kc dati pag nkkita ko ngiti nia...it never fails to brighten up my day eh... muntik ko na tlga mhalin un... sobra... konti na lng... araw na lng ang pagitan... mamahalin ko na tlga xa...
cguwo iniisp mo... bkit prng maypagpigil na ngyayari... deh.. kc i believe... to love is a decision!! kya ganun... dati,,, text pa kmi ng text nun... every nyt mggugudnyt ako saknia... hbng pauwi xa... mnsan katxt ko xa... pag ngkkta kmi sa coc... ang saya2x ko... taz ang talino pa nia... i can have an intellectual conversation with him...
sana di nalng xa ngsinungaling...
sana inamin na lng nia skin ung totoo...
maiintindihan ko nmn eh...
wla lng... inaatake n nmn ako ng sakit ko sa knia...
it been a long time na inisip ko na rin xa ulit...

sna kung nu man gagwin nia sa life nia... mging ok xa...
and in the end... sna mkhanp xa ng love na hinahanap nia...
i used to hope na ako un,,, pwo asa eca!!asa!! lol!!
pwo hndi eh,,, but its okay... ^_^

maybe the reason why im writing this is coz.. narealize ko na namiss ko pla tlga xa...
newei... bukas ulit... ^_^ bye twinkle!

getting started...

first post here!! hurrah!!!

actually... nainggit lng tlga ako sa anak kong si hazel after reading her blog...
naisip ko na... parang nkakamiss mgsulat... katulad ng dati nung may diary pa ako at ang pngalan nia ay sugar...
wla na ksi si sugar eh... sbai xang nasunog kasama ng mga alaala ko kay Ross... (ross was the second guy i loved... noong 15 plng ako...) naisip ko kc na para tuluyan kong makalimutan ung lalaking un... i have to get rid of everything that will remind me of him....at ksama nga dun si Sugar... after Sugar... di na ako gumawa ng isa png diary... nakuntento na ako sa pagkwnto sa besfren ko lht ng ngyayari sa buhay ko... sabhin lht ng nais iniisp ko...

pwo nakakmiss parin... pag ngssulat kc ako... feeling ko... malaya ako... nasasabi ko lht... o kya nttndaan ko ung mga dapt kong sabhin... nakalimutan sbhin at pilit kong kinakalimutan...

hndi ko alm kung tama lht ng grammar ko sa tagalog... kc im not really gud in writing in my native language... but im not in the mood to write in english namn.... kya please bear with me...

nga pla ako si Erica Bacalso Ngui... at ikaw si... si.... anu kya name mo...
tama!! ikaw na lng si... twinkle... from now on.... im gonna name u Twinkle...!!

mmya n lng ung personal data bout me ha... sa next post ko na un...

newei... back to my mood a while ago...

ang pagsusulat... but in this case... ang pagttype... at least sa blog... lang mkakealam sakin... i can say watever i want to say and wen i want to say it... mahilig kc ako i-express self ko... actually hndi na hilig un eh... nsasistema ko na xa... i live each day... not knowing wat will happen to me... but yet i make sure.. na at the end of the day i will still be me... laughing, crying, anticipating, smiling, loving and hoping...

sumtyms... the crowd round me seems a little frustrating... kc mnsan ung mga tao sa paligid ko gumaglaw ayon sa batas na kinatatakutan nila... bkit ganun? y cant they make their own rules... there is no absolute freedom, pwo hndi ba natin kya gumwa ng batas aun sa ating ikaliligaya...?
this idea seems conceited... but im not saying na ung ggwin mong batas e maaring makanakit ng tao...
no!! thats not what i mean... ang tinutukoy e ung batas na mkakapg-free sa soul mo...
its complicated... i know... but u know wat... ever since i was hurt by the system... i tried my best to be free from it... and guess wat... nowadays... i make my own rule... i live by my ideas... my passion... my principles... my virtues.. my love for life... my anticipation for death... and my faith in Yahweh...

feeling ko... kung anu2x na ang naisulat ko...
tgnn mo? ang dami tlga ang nsa isip ko noh? hmm... kya nararapat lng tlga na gawin kita... (--,)
hehe.... till next time... tahtah....