because its like this...

(this was my latest entry on my friendster blog...)

sometimes reminiscing gives you joy...
remembering the times that went by...
indulging yourself to memories that is no longer existing...
foolishly stirring up emotions that was all meant to be forgotten...
the past, it may not always shed some light to reality,
but it somehow sedates the pain of today...

these past few months i recurrently find myself reminiscing more often than i used to...
plus thinking of the "what could have beens" and the "what ifs"
maybe because my heart believes that a certain moment in my past made me really happy...
made me feel alive...
this belief took a life of its own...
made me grasp harder where my happy past stays loosely hanging...
even if the chain was rapidly slicing through my core...
still i decided to hold on...

setting aside my bruised self and once again welcoming the alluring tinge of hope...
hope made me stay longer than my heart had wanted to...
i never gave up on hope, i never wanted to but hope gave up on me...
then anger entered my heart, pain fueled this madness...
rage corrupted my being... i actually allowed it...
it made me numb...
i know numbness is not the cure, but i'd rather have this than none to protect me...

i've decided to run away from this grief and move on...
let go... scamper...
try my best not to look back...
struggle to close the saddest chapter in my life...
it seems unfair to lose hapiness all of a sudden...
with nothing much left but misery and sorrow...
and seeing a chance of having it once again...
but losing it totally in the end...
asking why it happened doesn't make sense anymore...
asking why poeple acted the way they did unknowingly brings more questions...
asking how it all happened is pointless...
but asking how to live after dying is what matters...

people may not see the sadness in my eyes...
the pain this chapter brought upon me...
but try to look at my soul...
and you'll see that it is still crying...
rivers of tears flowing incessantly...
but you see... i can't return now...
i'm too far from where i used to stand...
i can't... i just can't...

nothing is coincidence, i believe...
everything happens for a reason...
this is destined, i guess...
coz at the end of the day...
as i turn off the lights...
one thing is for sure...
i know in my heart i had a friend...
a wonderful friendship...
incredible memories to be cherished...
and yet i lost it...

and to those who stayed...

i will always keep them... them who never left...
them who carried me out of the hell i was sinking...
i will always treasure them... treat them as if they are priceless, well in fact they really are...
i am gratefully happy...
thank you very much...

and for the friend i used to have...
life goes on...
i will go on...
and so shall you...